we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
