So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
