shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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