someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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