my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT