He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it