He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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