Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
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Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?