and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
