He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
