RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
