Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
