Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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