If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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