When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
