I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
