Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
