im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
