Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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