happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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