I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is Oprah even human
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
