if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
