My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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