I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
