I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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