Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
