Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
