I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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