Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
