i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass