Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel