She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you win again, gameday.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god