OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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