I think I won the penis lottery.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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