2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
