i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
