you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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