there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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