Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
