My room smells like vodka and shame
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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