there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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