he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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