im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You pole danced in your parka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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