i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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