It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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