If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
