well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
