I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
