I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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