Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
