We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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