Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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