I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
