I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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