end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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