i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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