I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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