remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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