Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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