I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
