ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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