my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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