Having a random hookup so left but love u
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
