I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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